Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sexpo But Were Afraid to Ask

There’s a lot more to Sexpo than meet’s the one eyed snake. At least, we hoped there was. Scanning through this year’s program there are HEAPS more amusement rides than we ever thought there would be, and so many things that’ll trigger the inner prude in you to shield your orifices.

THE CELEBRITIES

It’s a far cry from Hey Hey It’s Saturday, but Russell Gilbert will return (return!) to host Sexpo this year as MC, along with burlesque performerJewell and porn star Angela White.

But put the image of Gilbert making wisecracks away and replace it with the ‘Ryan Gosling of porn’, James Deen. One of the most popular male porn stars today, he’s starred in the Bret Easton Ellis’ written film The Canyonswith Lindsay Lohan, almost faked a sex tape with Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham, and at 22 was the youngest actor to be awarded ‘Male Performer of the Year’ by Adult Video News. He’ll be signing autographs, available to whisper sexy nothings, every day at Sexpo.

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THE ‘AMUSEMENT’ RIDES

Not the first thing that springs to mind when you think Sexpo, but here they are nonetheless. Aside from the sex-themed dodgem cars (Bonk’em Cars) and the ‘naughty new amusement ride’ The Shafter (which is seriously lacking on any further details. You’ve been warned), the ride that’ll widen those eyes is The Gerbil. Long story short, Sexpo purchased a run of the mill ghost train and converted it into a sex train. The gerbil painted carriages will take a ride through sex related scenes featuring life-like robots. True story. Keep an eye out for the ‘Dildos in the Darkness’ and the John & Lorena Bobbitt inspired scenes.

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THE CARNAL CARNIVAL & SEXPO’S MASCOTS

At the Carnal Carnival, Sexpo have taken your everyday carnival games and made them adult. For example, you can test your strength on the high striker shaped like a veiny peen. “Can you get past the shaft and reach the knob?” Dear Lord.

While you’re there winning your weight in fake boob plush toys, say hello to your friendly Sexpo mascots Penisaurus, Tittysaurus and Penis Man. To be honest, we’re a little disappointed in the effort put into their names, but for some reason Sexpo doesn’t strike as a place that leaves anything to the imagination. Penisaurus and Tittysaurus are 8-foot genitalia shaped dinosaurs, the former of which they’ve warned “will squirt you if you’re not ready.” Penis Man is basically a guy in a morph suit covered in protruding penises and what looks like a scrotum for a chin.

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THE SEMINARS

We’ve no doubt you can learn a lot about humanity just by walking into Sexpo, but if you’re after a little extra tuition between the sheets there are plenty of opportunities to expand those horizons. We’ve all heard about how50 Shades of Grey has set couples’ loins on fire, but Sexpo will translate all that fan fiction into reality with their seminar A Beginners Guide to BDSM. There will also be a toybox fetish demonstration by experienced lifestyle dominant Master Joe, and author Tamra Mercieca’s giving relationship advice in Getting Naked – The Dating Game. (We knew we were doing it wrong!)

THE SHOWS

There is an actual Magic Mike show happening this year, as well as guys strapping on fishnets and sequins for Boylesque – a male performed burlesque show. But the show that’s really caught our gob-smacked attention is the Shadow Theatre. Think the shadow tent scene from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me but much more X-rated. Authorities tried to ban it after it’s first ever performance in Australia but Sexpo, er, came out on top. There are promises of lots of positions and objects.

THE SEX MAZE

“See if you can negotiate your way through the myriad of tunnels, or will you end up in the groping room????” That is a real sentence, and so are these: “See if you can find the right passages,” and, “Some people are so quick they have to come and come again.” Taking a wrong turn in this maze is possibly on par as scary as the Goblet of Fire maze.

PRICASSO

The guy who paints your portrait with his willy is back. Did you know he blocks out the backgrounds of his paintings with his buttcheeks? #resourceful. “Many established artists have commented on the speed, accuracy and unique way Pricasso can paint.” This practice just raises too many questions we don’t want answered.

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MARK ANTHONY’S HYPNOTIC SEXPO SHOW

Why (WHY) would you consent to being hypnotised at Sexpo? Participants have, repeat: have, been hypnotised into thinking the person next to them was a pole on which they had to dance.

AMATEUR STRIP SHOW

An ‘institution’ of Sexpo these days, participants can show their wares on both Friday and Saturday nights. Gotta respect tradition. Got the balls? Sign up.

Sexpo takes place at the Melbourne Convention and Exhibition Centre fromFriday 22 – Sunday 24 November. Read our interview with pornstar James Deen.

WORDS: Anna Horan

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Originally published 29 October 2013 on Everguide.com.au

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